Does this sound familiar?
You bump into a friend, ask her how she’s doing and she says…”I’m so busy.”
Now she’s going to riffle through her calendar and bring you up to date on everything lest you miss the point she’s a whirling dervish of excitement galore.
(Feign interest while counting the white shirts in the closet.)
Now you know this conversation is going nowheresville. What are we, in nursery school? Are we going to say “Well, I’m busy too.”
I don’t care if you’re employed, under-employed, unemployed, a newly-minted graduate, a stay-at-home Mother, cashing in your Facebook stock, writing spreadsheets, one-act plays and thinly-veiled novels, using your frequent flyer miles, doing a cleanse, rearranging the food in the refrigerator, racing an MG, and/or repainting your front door, WE ARE NOT THAT BUSY.
OM.
And when you tell us how busy you are, you are blowing up a bridge to a relationship. I love when people are fully-engaged and firing on all neurons. Why would I write The Essentials of Fabulous if I didn’t want to see people succeed? But true success needs a sturdy foundation based upon mutual caring and uplifting relationships. We need to build those bridges, not burn them.
As a personal and business coach, I’ve had the good fortune to work with talented individuals who for one reason or another, find themselves stuck. Or downsized. Or marginalized. And so they need to reclaim the fire that has been damped by bad luck. When we begin our work, I’m curious about the bridges they’ve built over the years. Many of these people have few or even none.
The work begins. We rebuild the foundation that will support the cables. I urge them to go back to the people they once knew and ask for help. Their self-confidence re-emerges. They start to feel good about themselves. And eventually, they are ready to step across the bridge and get to the other side.
If they’re lucky, really lucky, there will be friends and colleagues, co-workers and neighbors waiting for them, ready to roll up their sleeves and move those boulders blocking the way. Are these wonderful people busy? Of course. But when you ask them for help, miraculously, they are not that busy.
That’s why they’re fabulous.
Indeed. Beware of the one-way-conversationer…it is ALL ABOUT THEM…notice when you speak, they are already calculating what they are going to say next instead of “giving it a rest” and being present to another human being. And yes, it is difficult in the culture we live in — it has narcissistic leanings. I just watched a documentary on Johnny Carson….he was a great listener and a person who gladly embraced and recognized the talent of others. That is so inspiring and he was remembered fondly by many of his peers.
Dear Jennifer: Two ears, one mouth. Right? I taped the Carson documentary so I did not see it but I thought we were having an earthquake (very rare in NJ). No…it was the hubster laughing so hard the bed was shaking. Carson=brilliant. Even his non-verbal said everything you needed to know. What’s your legacy? I’m all ears (both of them).
My legacy is evolving. I am still here, not in a hurry, but doing my best not to waste time either. My legacy will be in the written word — with some real work, and serious effort, I will be an award winning playwright and maybe even a sculptor too. That’s the path I am on right now. It feels right, it smells right, it tastes right. Dunno how else to describe it. I just finished a profoundly moving writers workshop with a woman (fabulous) who has been doing this for many years. I read my spontaneous essay aloud and she was wowed. The next thing I knew, she was offering me free tickets to a new play written by a personal friend in NYC, she’s doing business with my sister-in-law, and was a personal friend of my since deceased Aunt who used to chair the English Dept. at Skidmore — there are no accidents! I am exactly where I need to be right now. Much love to all. J
Dear Jennifer: Finding your path, discovering what you love is the toughest thing in the world and of course, the most rewarding. I am happy to hear you are hearing sweet voices in your head pushing you forward. I wish you all the very best and hope to hear from you again. Regards, E.
Brilliant. SIMPLY brilliant. Thank you for the reminder.
Dear Gail: I appreciate your kudos and send them right back to you as giving a compliment is giving a gift of yourself. Most appreciatively, E.
So who’s busy? Not Ellen!
Brilliant as usual.
And if you’re not too busy I’d love you to browse through the first issue of my e-magazine at http://www.theoddmagazine.com
Pretty please?
Sreemanti Sengupta
Is it fabulous to be counting your shirts while someone answers a question? Maybe your ‘friend’ is busy and is feeling overwhelmed with her to-do list, and needs a quick moment of your ‘personal coaching’ to help her manage it. Maybe you should be present to the conversation instead of judging?
Dear Gillian: I apologize if I seemed a bit snarky in my response. Am I judging when someone rattles off their datebook rather than waiting to see that I am okay? I adore giving personal coaching to everyone but when someone says “I’m busy,” I hesitate to bring up my own travails. Thank you for spotting my blind spot…I will listen and learn.
Busy but always excited to stop and read Ellen’s blog
Thanks for the reminder! x
Dear Lisa: You just made my day sunny and bright! I am humbled and ecstatic that you enjoy the blogs. Truly. Best, E.