“Nixon’s Enemies List” is the informal name of a list of people President Richard Nixon considered his major political opponents. Then as the years went on he kept adding people to the list.
My mother keeps a similar list. It’s informal, too. It’s also very, very long since it includes her frenemies, relatives, neighbors… frankly, you’re nothing if you’re not on her list.
I used to have frenemies. Tons of them. They came in all shapes and sizes but not genders. There might have been a stray male or two but most of my frenemies were women, approximately my age.
After 25 years of psychoanalysis, I still wonder why I kept these women around. They were reptilian. Classic under-miners. Competitive. Jealous. And to top it all off, they were all hilariously funny. So it was difficult to get rid of hot pink and fill my dance card with beige. But I did it. (If you want to know how, please turn to page 7 in The Essentials of Fabulous by Ellen Lubin-Sherman.)
Are you wondering if you have a frenemy lurking around? They’re easy to identify and once you are rid of them, you’ll feel so much better. Of course you’ll grieve for the loss of someone posing as a dear friend but here’s the remarkable thing: Once you get rid of the frenemy, a real friend steps into your life. And then you can leap tall buildings in a single bounce or, at least, end a phone call without a shiv sticking in your back.
How To Identify The Frenemy:
1. The minute you hear “Don’t take this personally,” you’re sunk. You will take it personally and you will obsess about it for months, maybe years. This is how the frenemy operates. Every word out of the frenemy’s mouth is a lie.
2. Cancellations are not permissible except if the frenemy has to cancel. Fearful of my frenemy’s wrath, I went to New York City in a nor’easter and we ate lunch in the cafe at the frenemy’s office building because she did not want to get wet.
3. Faux empathy is their forte. Oh how they relish your misery. Try to keep your mouth shut when you’re around them. Talk about the virtues of drinking a kale smoothie.
4. Your relationship with your frenemy is lopsided — totally asymmetrical. Here’s the proof: They can never remember where they purchased that handbag you’re drooling over while you’re sharing the name of the doctor who got rid of that brown spot on your forehead. Can you believe they can’t remember, they say. Of course you can believe it because it’s a lie.
5. Beware of the temptation to conspire with the frenemy. The frenemy offers a little dish on a friend and you can’t help yourself…you enlarge the menu and bring your own little dish to the table. Voila! The frenemy casually mentions your comments to your mutual friend and bang, you ain’t going to that friend’s end-of-summer barbeque.
6. The frenemy has supersonic vision and hearing. She sees all, she knows all. And she tells all. Especially if it’s at your expense or someone else’s. Change seats or the conversation immediately — do not listen to gossip.
7. The frenemy can spot that pimple on your chin from an airplane. What are you waiting for? Get.Rid.Of.Her (or Him). Immediately.
This blog is dedicated to Joyce, my mother’s friend, who is 86 and recently asked me how she can get rid of her frenemy who is a spry (and evidently diabolical) 92. Joyce, if you’re reading this, please turn to page 7 of The Essentials of Fabulous by Ellen Lubin-Sherman.
Dear Ellen,
I almost didn’t read this for fear it was’ too negative ‘. What a shock
To realize this perfectly describes the person who has been monopolizing
Conversations, polarizing friends, instilling distrust and perpetuating hurtful acuzations and harmful gossip.
These people are never! Part if a solution unless there is credit to be taken.
Yes, I too question how/ why I attract these people
Perhaps it’s just to learn to invite the OUT of my life…fabulously.
I’ll be picking up a copy of your book.
Thanks for your always refreshingly non PC,
frank and honest writing.
Susan
Dear Susan,
Truth is something I hold dear and it illuminates the path I need to take. I could not have written my book without my “board of directors” who pushed me because they believed in me. Build a board. Surround yourself with adoring friends. Your life will be enhanced. Thanks for writing! E.
I love me some Ellen with my cup of coffee in the morning.
Spot on, as usual.
Dear Mrs. Bass,
I thank you for making me part of your morning routine. I could use some Mrs. Bass when I’m making my egg white omelet. Yours, E.
I sure hope someone doesn’t consider me a frenemy. It’s the bit of gossip thing.
Dear Melodius:
You? Gossip? No. You do “character analysis.”
Today’s blog reminds me of the old saying, “With friends like these, who needs enemies?”
It also reminds me of why I have kept my circle of women friends vs. acquaintances small over the years and also that men are so much more refreshingly simple!
Dear Gretchen: Women are complicated, true. But that doesn’t mean we should make ourselves available to those who don’t wish us well. Sounds like you figured it out — impressive! Regards, E.
I have been thinking about this for a while now — I need to make my list and put a why next to it…it’s that duplicity and divisiveness that sucks the life out of you…ugh…and then I want to see the positive in people, etc. but truly am betraying myself by thinking I need to be polite to these social stalking desperados…time to fren shui.
Dear Jennifer:
You nailed it: You are betraying “yourself” by spending time with people who don’t make you feel good about yourself. They just drag you down instead of lifting you up! Just do it! Let me know how it works out. Best, E.
You have a rib of confidence for a Spine!
Friends is difficult territories for me, but inspiring write up as always.
Thankie.
Sreemanti