I am under deadline, staring at a blank screen. I cannot find my writer’s voice thus I am frustrated, angry, and frightened.
There is only one option and it’s staring me in the face: I must procrastinate. It’s a terrible habit but it works for me. I wait till the very last minute and then write under great duress. It gets done because if you procrastinate, you must do it with panache! Here’s my modus operandi:
#1. Get up in the morning and prepare a healthy breakfast. Cold cereal and milk can be gulped — if you’re procrastinating, you must chop at least five different vegetables into tiny pieces and make an omelet. This should take about 45 minutes or longer if you also read the op-eds and obituaries.
#2. OM. I find the shower so relaxing. That is why I like to use several scrubs to exfoliate my skin. After washing my hair, I apply three different hair conditioners to ensure maximum hydration. Before leaving the shower, I take a clean washcloth and hand-dry the tiles. I congratulate myself: I have done everything possible to keep my hair looking sensational and avoid shower mold. Total shower and tile cleaning time: 40 minutes.
#3. Dry hair on a low, cool speed. The lower the speed, the longer it takes but so what? It’s much better for the hair. Total hair drying time: 20 minutes.
#4. Check the weather channel including the temperature of the water (not that I’m going bathing). The weather is critically important when selecting shoes. Total weather channel obsession and obeisance to shoe fetish: 15 minutes.
#5. Peruse the closet. Temperatures will be in the 90s so a simple tee-shirt and skirt make perfect sense. Remove tee-shirt from closet and decide to give it a little steaming. Fire up the steaming machine. Total closet perusing and steaming time: 30 minutes.
#7. Head to office, drop off laptop and immediately leave to get an espresso. Total espresso and schmoozing time: 25 minutes.
#8. Return to office and call a fellow writer to lament the state of publishing, writer’s block, best-selling schlock, and deadlines. Total whining time: 45 minutes.
#9. Stare at blank screen. Still stymied. Perhaps a little nap under a tree? Leave office. Total nap under a tree time: 22 minutes.
#10. Return to office. Stomach is growling. Lunch! Total lunch time: 30 minutes.
#11. Return to office. Stare at blank screen. Total waste of time: Too many minutes/hours to count.
loved it!!!
Dee, you have brightened my day! You have enormous power — use it! Spread the cheer. Most appreciatively, E.
Love this! I think procrastination can be useful. Sometimes all the time management advice can feel stifling so thank you for humanizing procrastination and showing how it can be an art form!
Dear Eleanor: This time management stuff doesn’t work for me. The muse will find me if I sit still. You cannot look for the muse. As always, great to hear from you.
Giggles. What was once referred to as procrastination I now affectionately refer to as “buffering for a download”. Yes, that is what it is. The creative bubble is hovering over the head (not looming) until it is ready to give birth to itself. I do not daydream, I buffer. No need to rush the ball.
xoxo
Dear Jennifer: I am ovulating. Must be patient. Adore your comment! E.
Wonderful read, Ellen.
My 8 ft by 5 ft canvas awaits me. Ah, but first I must must must
rake the leaves from the last storm and finally plant the new cactus…..then polyurethane the inside of the silverware drawer and then fix the elastic waist band in my favorite linen skirt
Then there’s the garden center, absolutely must fertilize the orchids…they desperately need it. almost forgot! a big sale as Besame Mucho…30% off everything.
I love to paint!
yours,
Susi
Dearest Susi: Do you iron? I ironed my pillowcases this morning as I plan to change the sheets tonight. Ah, the things we do to avoid the work! 4-ever, E.
Absolutely loved this one, Ellen.
As always, a 10 wheel tractor trailer filled with gratitude. You rock! E.
Hysterical! You just made so many people feel better about themselves, including me. Let’s embrace our human qualities and just be real.
Well, Ms. Jody, we have much in common. And that, my friend, is what it’s all about. 4-ever, E.
Oh thank goodness! I get so tired of everyone running around claiming to be working to the max every minute of every day. Thank you for the permission to be a human being. I feel lighter and brighter after reading this.
Dear Debbie: What a snore to listen to “how busy” everyone is when we know…well…the truth. We procrastinate. We waste time. We think. We dream. And that’s good. Thanks as always for writing! Most gratefully, E.